Anonymous Diary

' I can't be friends with your ex-husband because he hurt you, and I can't be friends with someone who hurt you. I am a man of morals and principles, I can not be friends with someone who doesn't have any.'  What in the actual fuck? Are you serious, T? You are a man of morals? You can't be friends with someone who has hurt me? I suggest you go take a good long look in the mirror and be truly honest with yourself. Do you see a man who has morals, or a man who is in denial? Do you see yourself as someone who hasn't hurt me? Who hasn't lied to me? Who hasn't gas-lighted me? For all the struggles that S and I had, he never was dishonest with me and he never gas-lighted me. And another thing, S was never too prideful to acknowledge his faults, weaknesses, and mistakes. He was fully aware of who he was. I'm starting to wonder if T has some psychological issues? I don't mean that as an insult, I truly wonder if something is going on. The state of de...

 I've agreed to see T; I've agreed to see if there's a way to salvage what we had, to experiment with ways of continuing on in a relationship even if it might look different from the one we had.  He doesn't allow me to feel. I understand the guilt and shame that he feels from doing what he did, but his anger surfaces when, inevitably, every single one of our conversations results in some remark that circles back to the mistakes he made. I understand that holding someone's mistakes over their head is not a healthy way to move forward, but I also understand that there needs to be an openness and willingness to discuss those insecurities and frustrations felt. I feel like I'm being asked to suppress my feelings so that he doesn't have to deal with his own. Let's pretend like this never happened so that we can go back to the way things were. There is no going back to the way things were. That doesn't exist. It doesn't mean that the way forward has to...

 I'm always fascinated by the way individuals, myself included, process through emotions. Sometimes I romanticize the relationship I had with T; I think my mind does this because I don't want to let go of him, I want to find ways to justify what he did so that we can carry on with the way things were.  The problem is, I know what comes with this... more disappointment. I know that from my previous marriage. History repeats itself. I don't want to place myself in the same position that I've been in previously. I don't want to give this person the upper-hand; I don't want him to feel like he is invincible. Some times I think that forgiving a cheater insinuates that the cheated on is insecure and fragile. It insinuates that we will tolerate the behavior. While at first, the cheater may feel completely remorseful for what they did, I think that subconsciously there now exists an understanding of how the other person will react when cheated on, which now allows for m...

 Anger! The rapid heart beat, the increased blood pressure, the tensed muscles, and a flooded reactive response created by the overly dramatic amygdala system in your brain! Anger use to be my go to response to EVERYTHING, but anger is an emotion that I don't feel a lot of anymore. That was not always the case. I grew up in a home where anger was quite often the only emotion ever on display. As I've observed my life and those around me, I discovered that this must be due to learned behaviors which then create behavioral patterns. How is one to break these cycles when there has been no one to properly demonstrate a way to process through emotions intelligently? We pretty much are left to figure these things out on our own, left to our own devices and surroundings to help us navigate emotional intellect.  When I got married in 2004, I discovered, well actually, my husband came to me and disclosed that he had a problem with porn. To the majority of the world this conversation mig...

 Emotions always tend to get the best of us, especially when were right smack dab in the thick of it. I feel hurt, a lot of hurt, but also confusion. Where is the anger? I don't feel anger. I don't know why he did this. I gave him multiple chances to be honest with me and upfront. Hell, in the beginning, I was the one that didn't want to be exclusive. He pushed for those things. He told me that he didn't need to date around, that I was what he wanted, that he would wait for me to figure it out. I know I was not perfect. I always felt a bit skeptical about him which prevented me from fully giving all of myself to him. I would hold back my affection and my love, because I was afraid of getting hurt. There was just something about him that made me feel uncertain. I had confided in him and told him about my uneasy feelings, he was good at convincing me that all was well. He was good at helping me to dismiss my fears. I was in love with him romantically, but other times, it ...

 Trying to see past someone's faults and weaknesses can be a good thing but when those faults and weaknesses have a direct and toxic affect on us individually, we have to find strength within ourselves to create boundaries that keep us safe. I met a man off Bumble, a dating app in March/April 2020. Our first conversations were sporadic. I had just come out of a relationship and wasn't sure that I was ready to date. I'd take hrs and sometimes days to respond to a text. He was patient with me and continued to reach out. He flattered me with compliment after compliment. We had a few conversations over the phone and I really enjoyed talking to him. His voice was deep, manly and very sexy. We planned to meet up and go for a walk in the park but when that day came, I didn't feel ready and at the last minute backed out. I messaged and told him that I wasn't ready to start dating and that I needed more time. He told me that he had recently come out of a serious relationship...