Can I Not Feel How I Feel?

 I've agreed to see T; I've agreed to see if there's a way to salvage what we had, to experiment with ways of continuing on in a relationship even if it might look different from the one we had. 

He doesn't allow me to feel. I understand the guilt and shame that he feels from doing what he did, but his anger surfaces when, inevitably, every single one of our conversations results in some remark that circles back to the mistakes he made. I understand that holding someone's mistakes over their head is not a healthy way to move forward, but I also understand that there needs to be an openness and willingness to discuss those insecurities and frustrations felt. I feel like I'm being asked to suppress my feelings so that he doesn't have to deal with his own. Let's pretend like this never happened so that we can go back to the way things were. There is no going back to the way things were. That doesn't exist. It doesn't mean that the way forward has to be full of misery, but forcing someone to instantly heal and never speak of it again, in a matter of days after discovering a significant betrayal, is incredibly unrealistic and selfish. If proper healing doesn't take place, there is never hope for a healthy relationship to emerge. Maybe we don't need a healthy relationship. Maybe we should just use each other. Maybe we just need each other to get through lockdown. If that's the case, maybe I can throw caution to the wind, healing to the wind, all of it to the wind. We become a support system of some sort for each other during this time, and that's it. 

I knew this would be an issue. Overcoming these types of hurdles is never easy, and most of the time, down right impossible to move on from. The cheater wants all to be forgiven and forgotten so they don't have to be reminded of the pain they've caused, or deal with the guilt follows, and the cheated on has a hard time moving on from the pain caused, reminding them both of the damage caused. I knew this would be a problem for us both, and this was the exact reason why I felt like moving on would be best. I know how these types of issues affect relationships and I mostly feel like it's downhill from here on out if the goal is to fully patch things up and start over.

I was hoping to have some sort of loose unstructured relationship with him. Maybe a 'let's date each other but date other people type thing', or maybe just a, 'let's be friends type thing.' I don't know that either of those are possible. Maybe it's run it's course and there is no salvaging it. I feel irritated when I talk to him. I feel irritated when he's happy. Why should he be happy? He should be suffering, like me. He should feel pain, like me. He should feel insecure, unwanted, unsure, like me! He calls and wants to have a laugh with me? He messages and wants to keep things light? He speaks but wants me to refrain from mentioning the unmentionable? I'm not sure I can do this, I'm not sure I want to do this. You don't get to choose how I heal and at what pace! You don't get to restrict what I say! You don't get to be angry with me for feeling hurt or for mentioning it! I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not sure I want to do this.

These patterns are familiar to me. I've seen these before. I know what's happening. My 17 year relationship was a constant cycle of this type of behavior; I'm not sure I can do this again, I'm not sure I want to do this.