Once a cheater, always, so... much... more... than a cheater, in this case

 Trying to see past someone's faults and weaknesses can be a good thing but when those faults and weaknesses have a direct and toxic affect on us individually, we have to find strength within ourselves to create boundaries that keep us safe.

I met a man off Bumble, a dating app in March/April 2020. Our first conversations were sporadic. I had just come out of a relationship and wasn't sure that I was ready to date. I'd take hrs and sometimes days to respond to a text. He was patient with me and continued to reach out. He flattered me with compliment after compliment. We had a few conversations over the phone and I really enjoyed talking to him. His voice was deep, manly and very sexy. We planned to meet up and go for a walk in the park but when that day came, I didn't feel ready and at the last minute backed out. I messaged and told him that I wasn't ready to start dating and that I needed more time. He told me that he had recently come out of a serious relationship as well and he found that when he put himself out there to meet new people it helped with moving on, even if nothing came of it. I thanked him for his advice and he told me to keep in touch; we left it at that. I gave it some thought and decided to take his advice, a couple of weeks later, I decided to message him to see if he'd meet me for a walk in the park. 

Our first meet was unusual. I arrived to the park first and sat down to wait for him. While doing so, a man sat down next to me and started chatting. He wanted to know if I was single, he wanted to stay and chat with me. I told him that I was meeting someone and that I would need to go soon. He told me he'd stay and hangout until that 'someone' had arrived. T (my date), texted me and asked where I was sitting. I told him where I was at and that he should come quickly and save me from this stranger. His response seemed irritated and he asked if he should leave me to my current date. When T finally showed up, I waved goodbye to the stranger and as we walked away the stranger called out, "see you at 6:30!" Yes, I may have lied and told that man that I would meet him in the park the next day at 6:30pm. I should have been more upfront and just told him that I wasn't interested but I didn't have the heart. Me not having the heart to be direct seems to get me into more trouble than it prevents.

T was visibly irritated and it took him some time to open up to me. I didn't quite understand it then, because I knew my intentions and I knew I had no interest in that stranger, but from T's perspective, which I learned later on, he felt like he walked up to meet me while I was planning a date with someone else. I can now see how that would be upsetting and inconsiderate. The energy that night was strange. While we walked, we were approached by a man who told me, I could suck his dick for 20 pounds. T was so upset, I thought he was going to punch the guy. The guy told T to calm down and that it was compliment because I was very beautiful. T was not happy with that response and continued to shout and edge closer to the man. I wasn't sure how I was feeling about this date. I was flattered to have someone come to my rescue and defend my honor, so to speak, but I was also disturbed by how quickly T was provoked to anger. I wondered if he was the jealous type, or maybe the controlling type? Either way, it left me feeling a bit unsettled but also, strangely enough, flattered.  It was odd and the energy of the whole night seemed to be off. We didn't hangout long and I hugged him before I left. I then went on my way unsure if I'd ever want to speak to or see him again. 

I tend to think that first meets are always a bit awkward, and so, if there's any type of chemistry, I am usually open to a second date. 

We started to see each other more regularly, continuing to meet up for walks in the park. After all this was pretty much all we could do with the current lockdowns and restrictions in place due to the pandemic. Any uneasiness that I felt, I quickly dismissed. It was nice to have someone to hangout with. It was nice to have someone around that paid me so many compliments. It was nice to be around someone who was as carefree as me. Two free spirits, enjoying one another's company. 

We couldn't have been dating for more than a month or so when he first hinted that he was falling in love with me. I was scared and a bit taken back. He seemed to be heading much quicker than I in the direction of having an exclusive relationship. I told him that I wasn't ready, that I needed to keep dating around. This caused all sorts of complications in our relationship. One minute he was ok with it and the next he was not. I told him that he could continue to date others, that I was not ready for that type of commitment, but he told me that he was in love me and didn't want to see anyone else. He told me he'd wait for me to figure it out. 

We traveled together. We spent time in Marbella, Naples, Capri, and the Amalfi Coast. We explored London together, different restaurants, movies, sightseeing, swimming, etc. I met his friends, he met mine. I plastered videos and pics of us all over my Instagram and with time, I found that I was also in-love. I told him that I didn't need to date around anymore and that I loved him and wanted to be with him. 

I never really felt like I could completely trust T. He withheld information about his ex multiple times. At first he told me, he'd been engaged and that it ended. Then he told me, he'd actually been married but it was over, and then finally he disclosed that he was still married but in the process of a divorce. The problem is, I don't think that process started until after he was seeing me. He made his ex out to be crazy and he did a good job, but the more he told me about her, the more I wondered if her reactions were due to the way he was treating her, or if they had come from a past relationship of hers. I now know the answer to those questions.

T would send me pictures of where he was going. He'd ask permission to see his friends. He'd call me on video chat when I wasn't with him so I could see where he was at. He did all of this without me asking, as though he'd felt he needed to have an alibi. When I asked him about it, he said his ex would make him do these things so that she knew he wasn't cheating. Again, I wondered, had she been hurt before, or was it his actions that made her react in this way? 

The more we hung out the closer we became. He told me things that he said he'd never told anyone else. I started to see that he lied, a lot. He lied about little things all the time and he'd lie about big things. He was lying to his parents, family and friends about the type of Muslim he was. He was lying to his past girlfriends about his mischievous behavior. He would lie about whether or not he ate dinner.  He'd change his stories and forget what he'd said. He'd contradict himself all the time. I was foolish to think that he wasn't lying to me.

His ex showed up in London unannounced and things got crazy. We were hanging out at the park and I had to use the restroom. T suggested that we go to Selfridges because he wanted to look around. We were in the mall when, unknown to me, his ex walked past and they exchanged looks. He grabbed my hand and told me that we needed to go. I told him that I had not yet used the toilet and needed to badly. I asked him what was wrong and he said he'd tell me later. I told him to wait outside while I used the toilet and then we could go. He said ok and then we parted. After I finished, I went outside but could not find him. I texted him, no response. I called him, no response. I walked around the outside of the mall, he was nowhere. I went to the front entrance and sat on a bench. I waited for him, wondering what happened, if he was ok, if I was being ghosted in a very random way. I finally got up and left. I had just made it home when my phone rang, it was T. He explained that his ex was at the mall and that when I had gone to the bathroom she found him leaving the mall and followed him. He said they got into a huge fight and that she was screaming at him and hitting him. I remember thinking, how odd is it that out of all the places she could have been, in a city as large as London, that we end up bumping into her.

The drama didn't end there and a few days later I received a phone call while I was in a taxi taking my children to their football lessons. I got a call from T and then a prompt hangup. This happened several times and we all began to laugh. I figured he must be butt dialing me. I could hear voices on the other end and it seemed to me that they were in good spirits. I received one final call. T told me that he was with his ex and that he needed me to tell her something. She called me by name and he quickly shushed her, he told me to tell her that he'd ended things with me the last time we spoke and that it was over. I was in complete shock. Was this some sick joke? Was he asking me to lie to his ex? And why? I told her what he wanted me to say and he quickly hung up on me. I don't know why I did that. I am still upset with myself for having lied straight faced to this woman. 

He had all sorts of excuses as to why he asked me to do it but to me, it seemed like he was someone who just got caught having an affair and was not trying to lie his way out of it. I knew this deep down but I let his excuses and lies continue to manipulate me. 

He talked to me about having children, he talked to me about marriage, he talked to me about only seeing a future with me, he told me he'd never loved someone the way that he loved me, that he wasn't sure that he'd actually ever experienced love at all until he met me. He told me he'd do anything for me, give me whatever I wanted, that he'd always make me happy. He cooked for me because I hated to cook. He'd tell me I was beautiful and smart. He bought me flowers and my favorite meals. He'd bring me chocolate and other treats. He told me he couldn't wait for his divorce to go through so that he could post pics of our travel and time together all over his social media, but when his divorce did go through, he did none of what he said.

I never asked him to post anything, he kept telling me that he was going to do it, that he wanted to, that he couldn't wait to, so when he didn't, I wondered why? I told him that to me there's any easy answer for it. You want to appear single. He told me it was because he was jinxed. He said every time he posted a pic with the girl he was seeing, the relationship would quickly end shortly afterwards. I now know why that is.

He rented his flat from an old gal pal. Or at least that is the story he tells. I spent a lot of time there but one time in particular I found a girls elastic around the door. I was 100% sure that I had not seen it there before but he told me I was being crazy and that it must be the girls whom he was renting from. 

We were watching a short clip video on his phone when a number of messages came through on his IG. He casually swiped them away but I took notice to the name. I made a mental note and said nothing more. That night as we got ready for bed, I jumped on my phone to see who the girl was. She looked similar to me, fair skinned, blonde hair, blue eyes. This IS his type if he were looking. I wasn't sure what to think or how to respond. I looked at his IG and noticed that she had been commenting and liking his past posts. He could tell something was wrong as became eerily quiet. The next morning he started probing me, wanting to know why I was acting so odd, I started to cry and told him what I found. He assured me that she was an old friend that he had worked with, someone who had recently got in contact with him to ask him about starting up her own business. She needed a website done and was asking him for help. I cried and told him that I felt like I was going crazy. That I was becoming one of those girls who doesn't trust her partner. He told me that it was ok, that the jealously and insecurity was a sign of love and that I loved him.

I have my kids 50% of the time. When I have them, he is not around. I did not introduce him to my kids but they knew of him and had talked to him by voice message. That 50% of the time where he was not with me, I don't know what he was doing. I remember one night seeing a post of his on his stories where he was out seeing Christmas lights. I then watched the stories of the gal that he said nothing was going on with and she too was out seeing the Christmas lights. I think I now know what he was doing with that 50% percent of time.

I went to Cancun for Christmas and invited him to come along. I was meeting family there. He was weird with his responses. He didn't want to go because he didn't want to impose on my family time. He was eager and quite forceful about convincing me to go. I felt like he was pushing me out. He assumed I'd go back to my home state when I was done and not return to London because of the pandemic and lockdowns. He was constantly trying to push me to go back to the States. I often wondered if this was him hoping to get citizenship through me. He always talked about how much he loved America and how much he wanted to live there. Sometimes I felt like he was with me in hopes of getting an automatic in to the States. His behavior was very confusing.

When I returned to London things were off. Energy was off, vibes were off. I wasn't feeling him and he could tell. There was just something about him that was putting me off but I wasn't sure what it was.

After my 10 days of quarantine, on my kid-free weekend, I ventured over to T's. He jumped into the shower for a quick rinse off before we were to head out and I wandered over to the kitchen to make my self a cup of coffee. I noticed a pair of earrings that were not mine. I picked them up and inspected them. Whose earrings would he tell me these are if I asked him? What lie would he spew? I then noticed a card. No postage on it, clearly something that looked like a holiday or birthday card. Invading his privacy, I opened it and saw a message to him that read, "Merry Christmas T, I hope you enjoy these treats! Lots of Love, xxx!" I couldn't believe it, I was shocked. I dropped the earrings, the card, picked up my stuff and left. 

Immediately the calls started to come in. The text messages. The lies. The continued gas-lighting, 'Why are you being so dramatic? I told you she's an old friend! I can't help that people give me Christmas cards! I didn't react to you like this when you were given Christmas cards!' (mind you, none of mine came from single males with a 'lots of love' closing). 'You're freaking out over nothing! Call me! Please call me! You mean sooo much to me!'

Maybe he was right. Maybe I was over reacting. This time I would make sure. I knew who this girl was, I knew how to get in contact with her, and so I did. I reached out to her by message and asked her to be honest with me. I told her that I wasn't mad at her, I just didn't want to be lied to anymore. She quickly responded and asked me to call her. Within a matter of minutes we discovered that he'd been lying to us both. He met her on a dating app in Sept and had been seeing her ever since. When she saw that I had watched her IG stories two days prior, she clicked onto my IG and saw that I had loads of pics with T. She said she wanted to give him a chance to explain and contacted him first. She said he freaked out. He denied having a girlfriend, he denied being with me, he denied everything. I told her my story and she was shocked. I too was shocked!

How does someone live a double life with such ease? How does someone put another human being through something like that, especially when they know the intricate details of my past relationships and what I've been through? Does one have to be soulless? Completely and utterly selfish? Is he a pathological liar? Is he a narcissist? Is he disturbed? He was so manipulative, AND so convincing. I wonder what other lies he is telling? What sort of other doggy dealings he's mixed up with?

I saw red flags going into this relationship but dismissed them time and time again for the convenience of not being alone. I knew that he told lies but I didn't understand the lengths of them. I spent 9 months with someone who I don't even really know. I let him into my life, my home, my kids, friends and families lives, and he was a fraud. A complete fraud.