Coming Down

 Emotions always tend to get the best of us, especially when were right smack dab in the thick of it. I feel hurt, a lot of hurt, but also confusion. Where is the anger? I don't feel anger. I don't know why he did this. I gave him multiple chances to be honest with me and upfront. Hell, in the beginning, I was the one that didn't want to be exclusive. He pushed for those things. He told me that he didn't need to date around, that I was what he wanted, that he would wait for me to figure it out. I know I was not perfect. I always felt a bit skeptical about him which prevented me from fully giving all of myself to him. I would hold back my affection and my love, because I was afraid of getting hurt. There was just something about him that made me feel uncertain. I had confided in him and told him about my uneasy feelings, he was good at convincing me that all was well. He was good at helping me to dismiss my fears. I was in love with him romantically, but other times, it felt like that love was shifting more towards friendship. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so uncertain, I couldn't figure out why our chemistry was teetering. Why my love for him was shifting back and forth between romantic involvement and friendship. I could have thrown caution to the wind and fully dived in. I could have showed more desire, passion and affection toward him. Maybe that would have fixed our problems, maybe not.

I never thought I'd reach out to him. But this is what our emotions do to us when we are overwhelmed. I didn't think that giving him any more of my time to continue to lie would be a good use of my energy. The quicker I can process through what's happened and distance myself from the cause of that discomfort, the better I will be. I do not need to waste my time or his to yell, scream or make accusations. He knows what he has done, whether he wants to admit it or not. However, what I do need, and was unaware of until this morning, is closure. 

I reached out to him. I reached out to tell him that I knew, that I knew EVERYTHING. To tell him that he could have came to me and been honest. That I would have been willing to hear him out, to slow things down, to go back to dating other people. I would have listened and considered. I needed to tell him that breaking up with me would have been so much better than cheating on me. To tell him that there's no fixing this because I know myself, and I know that I won't be able to get over this, and that our relationship would spiral downward into a toxic place where the both of us would end up unhappy. I needed him to know that I loved him and that although he hurt me, that I was grateful for all the wonderful memories we created together. I was grateful to him for being there for me at a time when I was very very ill. I was grateful for our travels. I was grateful for the days we spent walking in the park, eating out at different restaurants, laying out at the pool, shopping, dancing in the streets, wondering the mall; I was grateful for the nights that he'd cook for me, for the many treats and sweets he'd drop by, for the endless compliments that he gave me. I needed him to know that as human we all make mistakes, but he shouldn't let his mistakes define him. The man that I knew was good, loving, fun, and caring. I hope that man conquers the man that will continue to destroy and sabotage any relationship he goes into. I know I am not perfect. I know that I have my faults. I know that I have contributed to the failing of this relationship in some way. He was my best friend and lover. I'll not forget that.