I'm A Mess

 I'm always fascinated by the way individuals, myself included, process through emotions. Sometimes I romanticize the relationship I had with T; I think my mind does this because I don't want to let go of him, I want to find ways to justify what he did so that we can carry on with the way things were. 

The problem is, I know what comes with this... more disappointment. I know that from my previous marriage. History repeats itself. I don't want to place myself in the same position that I've been in previously. I don't want to give this person the upper-hand; I don't want him to feel like he is invincible. Some times I think that forgiving a cheater insinuates that the cheated on is insecure and fragile. It insinuates that we will tolerate the behavior. While at first, the cheater may feel completely remorseful for what they did, I think that subconsciously there now exists an understanding of how the other person will react when cheated on, which now allows for more cheating to happen. Once a cheater, always a cheater isn't a saying that is meant to take a dig, it just happens to be that it's mostly true, especially for the relationships where it's already happened and the two agree to continue to work it out. Cheating comes from behavioral patterns, and sadly, behavioral patterns don't just magically change because an apology has been made and forgiveness has been given. Unfortunately, those who are in relationships where cheating has happened, there's a 350% likelihood of it happening again according to this study . Another statistic that may or may not shock you is that those who have been cheated on will likely be cheated on again. 

For anyone who enjoys learning about human behavior, this probably does not come as a surprise. We tend to attract and be attracted to the same type of people over and over again. If we don't break the behavioral pattern, then we allow for this, and we will continue to let history repeat itself over and over again. 

I miss T, I want to see him, I want to hear his voice, I want to laugh with him, cook with him, I miss his company, our conversations, but I know what letting him back in means. I know where we head at some point, if not in 3 months then 3 years or so on, and I'm not sure that I can willing venture back into that. I could go in eyes wide open, knowing, accepting, but is that really what I want, is that the type of relationship I desire. If I allow my time and energy to go to him, I am shutting myself off from other possibilities. A new start with someone else, a chance to maybe get it right. 

The loneliness that comes with the pandemic is also something to consider. It's literally impossible to date right now. T is part of my allowed social bubble. Is it wrong to allow him to be part of my life until this lockdown is over? Should I use him? Lead him on? Date him until the world goes back to normal and then discard him the way he did to me? Would revenge make me feel better? I have a range of emotions flooding my body and brain as I try to navigate survival during this God awful pandemic. What's one to do when the whole world seems to be upside down? 


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