A Man of Morals

' I can't be friends with your ex-husband because he hurt you, and I can't be friends with someone who hurt you. I am a man of morals and principles, I can not be friends with someone who doesn't have any.' 

What in the actual fuck? Are you serious, T? You are a man of morals? You can't be friends with someone who has hurt me? I suggest you go take a good long look in the mirror and be truly honest with yourself. Do you see a man who has morals, or a man who is in denial? Do you see yourself as someone who hasn't hurt me? Who hasn't lied to me? Who hasn't gas-lighted me? For all the struggles that S and I had, he never was dishonest with me and he never gas-lighted me. And another thing, S was never too prideful to acknowledge his faults, weaknesses, and mistakes. He was fully aware of who he was.

I'm starting to wonder if T has some psychological issues? I don't mean that as an insult, I truly wonder if something is going on. The state of denial that he exists in and the inability to harbor any sort of capability to go through an introspective self-examination, is mind boggling. 

It's becoming more and more evident to me that we can not be in a serious relationship. There's a part of me that is so intrigued by his way of thinking, I want to observe him, fix him, help him get to a healthy honest place in his life so that he can function at a higher level, but I also think that by doing that, I am putting myself in a position that isn't great for my growth when it comes to having a healthy intimate relationship. 

I know that anyone reading this, is thinking to themselves, 'what the hell are you doing? Get out of this relationship! Do not give him another chance!'

Human behavior is a funny thing. Logically I know what I should do, I know what would be best for me. I know that statistically speaking the chances of him cheating on me and me being cheated on are high, incredibly high. I know his personality, I know he lies, a lot. I know he's incapable of seeing his weaknesses, I know he's someone who sees himself as a victim, he plays that role well and is quite reluctant to acknowledge how he contributes to the chaos that follows him. 

I should have been a psychologist. I do love figuring people out.